when I was pregnant with Wolf, I knew I was madly in love with the baby inside of me. I was SO anxious to meet him, to feel his tiny hands and kiss his sweet head. I felt like, the second that he’d be born, I’d get butterflies in my stomach because I loved him so much, my body would swell over with indescribable emotion and that my head would virtually explode from all the love I had for him. but to my surprise, after we brought our tiny new baby home from the hospital, it didn’t.
ok, step back a second. yes, when Wolf was born, stars and moon beams were shooting out of my eyeballs and I could not believe that this tiny person was mine and we had created him. I couldn’t believe that I’d given birth to him and there he was, outside my body, tiny and pink and impossibly cute. I loved him. but in the beginning, the hard outweighed the love and for me, love didn’t feel like it came easy.
there were nights when I’d cry because I was struggling so hard with breastfeeding or I was just plain tired. I’d tell Levi that I wasn’t sure if I could do this, to be a good mother. and I’d just continue to make myself more and more upset. he’d assure me over and over again that things would get easier and indeed, they did. I got into the swing of things and my heart started to burst with love a little more each day.
I’m writing this because I know that there are others out there like me, for whom motherhood didn’t come easy. I always pictured myself as a mother but I never had baby fever and never dreamt of having babies. I’d never even held a baby before Wolf was born. but I’ve been thinking a lot about motherhood these past few days and I can’t imagine my life any other way. I’m so dang proud of Wolf. every day he makes me smile and laugh and just watching him learning new tasks makes my heart explode.
so the love is there. and it’s been there all along. it just took my body a little while to get adjusted to my new role of Mom.
p.s. I love you Mom, more than you know.